Words

Very unusual meeting, or maybe a better phrase is very unusual virtual meeting. I was playing at one of those trivia chat rooms, minding my own business of trying to answer the questions as fast as I can when I received a message from this guy. I have this very generic chat nickname, bookfan (appended with my age and my gender), and of course he asked me what kinds of books I read. That started the ball rolling. We chatted a total of four hours that night. Before we logged out, he asked for my number. I don't usually give it out but this guy struck me as somehow decent and a very intelligent person so I obliged. But I didn't really expected him to text, much more call.

I was pleasantly surprised the next day when I got a morning greeting from him. We texted the entire time I commuted from the MRT to the office, that's more than half an hour travel. I learned from our chat the night before and during our first texting marathon that he is a doctor (an ophthalmologist from the Visayas, but he was born, bred and schooled in Manila but relocated there when he married, yes he is married!). He is 10 years my senior, the eldest in a family of four, he loves his job and his kids (read between the lines please), he loves the great outdoors, he is a coffee drinker, he doesn't smoke.

It had been four days and a hundred text messages exchanged and an hour or so of phone calls. On the second night we were texting, he already called me a friend. Third day, we were spending almost the entire day (and evening until 3 a.m.) exchanging calls and messages (of course, during times when he doesn't have a patient and when I need a break from the things I do at work and at home). He even told me that he'll be leaving for the US Friday evening and asked for my IM ID so we can keep in touch while he is there. Fourth day, as usual, we started texting at 6 a.m. until around 10 a.m. and he called me three times that morning. He said something that really made my heart leap, this is how the exchange went:

HE: do you open your ym?

ME: yes.

HE: that's great!

ME: yep, that's great talaga so i get to chat with you later.

HE: yesss :) i'll be using ym to keep in touch with you the whole trip. ok with you?

ME: that's fine.

HE: good to hear that. i don't want to be out of touch with you. :)

ME: same here

HE: am delighted to know that

ME: what can i say?

HE: sometimes words fall short of what we want to say and sometimes words just get in the way

I felt like I'm sixteen all over again. It was one of the sweetest things said to me. Ever.

After that exchange, the rest of the day was quiet. Not a single text message sent. I was hoping that he would be telling me that he is already off to the airport. Nothing. Nada. Nil.

I got worried: Did I say something wrong? Did I offend him one way or another? Or is he okay? Maybe he was in some trouble or something? I was thinking the whole day why he didn't even bother to say goodbye. Oh well, another one bites the dust. Easy come, easy go. And all the other cliches I can think of.

Saturday came. I woke up and opened my IM, no message still. The entire day, my IM is open and not a peep or even a buzz from him. I was starting to lose hope and while playing my online game, he sent me a message. I was kind of scared. Maybe he will be telling me that everything's a mistake and we should forget about our "friendship". But no, he was so apologetic about not being able to contact me earlier but something really bad happened. His brother, whom he will be running in a marathon with, had just died. I can feel he was really devastated. I tried to console him as much as I could. And even if I thought it was inappropriate, I told him that I missed him. He said he missed me as well. And he said that he needed a hug right then and he wished I'm the one who will give it to him, he also asked if it's inappropriate for him to say that and of course I said it's not.

I chatted with dozens of guys but this guy is a different breed (I really hope so!). He didn't even ask me to describe myself. Guys from chat rooms usually ask that and this one did not. He didn't even mention that he wanted me to go to bed with him.

He will be further away for two weeks, I won't get to communicate with him as much as I wanted to but I think this is a test for us. I hope we both pass it.

To Blog or Not To Blog

I've been really skeptical in keeping a blog regularly. First of all, my schedule at work is really tight. I rarely have time to go out and socialize. Another thing is that I'm having second thoughts as to who will be reading my blog. I have friends who love to read blogs but I don't think mine will be as readable as the others'.

But I think this will be really therapeutic for me. Lately, I have been having mood swings that affect the way I perform at work and it also affect my relationships. At home, I'm always in a bad mood that my kids are really keeping out of my way. I also started on a new relationship (read: new boyfriend) but it seems that it was a short-lived one. We started only less than a month ago and now we already broke up. (Good thing though since he's the typical male polygamous pig. No bitterness there, he told me so when I broke up with him!)

I love to write. I started writing as early as my pre-teen years. I know I always turn in the nearly perfect "sulating pormal" in Filipino class. But I write better in English. In high school, I turn in great essays for examinations and continued on during my college years. I started writing for the school paper in Sta. Isabel College. But I really made my mark during my years in Manila Bulletin wherein I have a bi-monthly column on teens (Teen Talk), articles for Philippine Panorama and special supplements and interviews I did for special assignments. I also dabbled in writing elementary school textbooks in Music and in Social Studies.

To think, with that experience, it will be easy for me to maintain a blog but it's not. I always compare my work to better and more experienced bloggers. But as my friend Anna told me, each of us have a unique way of writing. Maybe I should just write and let my creative juices flow and see where it will take me.

I hope this will be a good start.

So, it will be: to blog!

Welcome 2009/To a Friend

One of the few New Year's resolutions that I intend to keep is to blog as often as I can. I only get to blog very few entries the past year because of many things but mainly because I got so busy. But with lots of time in my hands at work, I hope I'll get to blog, if not daily, as often as I could.
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I just read a blog entry of one of my dear friends at work, Michelle Pfeiffer (that's my term of endearment for her and I'm sorry, I still can't get used to her nickname pa kasi). I love the way she expresses herself. She is a funny and lovable person and I enjoy being with her. We became friends a little over two years ago, we were in the same account. We've had our share of misunderstandings but who can resist having her as a friend? I consider her as one of my best friends though she considers me more of a mother figure than a friend because of my age. That's one of the things I love about her: very frank.

This is for you. As a way to welcome the new year, I dedicate this blog for you.

Love you, Michelle Pfeiffer!

A Stroke of Luck

The day ended like the days that went by: uneventful, hot and ordinary. I arrived at home and did the same things I usually do upon getting home: prepare my dinner, wash the dishes, relax awhile with my pc games and read a few chapters of my latest Lisa Gardner novel. Just before midnight, I had my pre-bedtime shower and off to bed I went.

I woke up with a leg cramp and I shouted with the pain that went with it. Nanay hurried from the kitchen and massaged my left leg. My children woke up with the yell of pain that woke up the whole neighborhood as well, I think. Nanay suggested I call in sick so I can rest. Before lunchtime though I felt a numbness in the left part of my body and I have difficulty focusing on things. My head is about to burst with pain that I took 2 500 mg tablets of mefenamic acid just to alleviate the pain (still no luck, though). I felt nauseated as well. Oh gosh, is this what people feel during a stroke? Off to my cardiologist I went and she told me I needed to be hospitalized for the symptoms I felt. My blood pressure is elevated (what else is new?) and I got myself admitted. Anna was the one who stayed in the hospital to look after me.

After all the blood and urine tests: doctors diagnosed TIA (transient ischemic attack), also known as a mini-stroke. Not really a stroke but a preview of things to come. Morbid huh? I also have glucose intolerance which does not help the condition at all. During my entire hospital stay nurses pricked my fingers three times a day to check my blood sugar level. There was a time, the nursed pricked me four times that day because my blood sugar is elevated as well. I downed dozens of pills and capsules to regulate my blood sugar and blood pressure. And yet the numbness is still there. The day I was to be discharged, my cardiologist referred me to a neurologist to check what the numbness is all about. I am not really too keen on seeing a neurologist because he is not covered by my medical insurance and I have to shell out four hundred bucks for seeing the neuro. So after the discharge, I went about with my routine (although I still reported in sick at work because I still feel the numbness and I am always tired).

A week after though, I can't ignore the numbness anymore and the recurrent headache. Went to the neurologist and the doctor probed and poked me with his pen and reflex hammer, asked me to jump, to count, gave me some simple mathematical questions, and what-not. Guess what? I failed most of the exams. I don't have TIA, it's cerebral infarction and in layman's term: a mild stroke. Imagine, having a mild stroke at the ripe old age of 40.

I was not actually shocked but I felt scared. Such a morbid thought, I am now really aware that I might be gone from the world in just a matter of minutes, even seconds. I felt bad about my children, I owe it to them to be here for them, at least until they can go on their own ways.

The neurologist advised for a total lifestyle change, that is if I wanted not to suffer a really bad one (come to think of it, is there a "good" stroke?). I have three risks: hypertension, high cholesterol and my BMI which is classified as obese (oooh... is that the politically-correct term?). That will be a tall order for me. So does it mean goodbye crispy pata and chicharon for me? No more late nights. No more alcohol (I quit drinking a long time ago) and no more nicotine (I have never been a chain-smoker and besides the last cigarette stick I had was eons ago). The late nights, alcohol and nicotine I will gladly not do but the food??? That will be a trifle hard because I love food. But as Nanay loves to tell me: it's either I chose to live longer or eat all those cholesterol-rich foods. Of course, it's a longer life I will choose. I love my children so much and I wanted to be with them for a long time still.

God gave me a mild "reminder" and I hope there wouldn't be a "major" reprimand soon. I am still lucky and very blessed.

unplanned and unprepared

my first blog entry and it's a sad thought. being pregnant is supposed to be a happy experience, right? yes and no. yes, if you got pregnant and you're married and the no is from the otherwise. what's the point of this entry, you ask? i'd like to expound on the difference of being with child in your 30s and being pregnant at 16, 19. the reason why i decided to write this is that my daughter and i are in the wash room here in the mall and i saw a couple of teeners whispering. they have something in their hands and guess what it is? a pregnancy kit. and to think i thought they were whispering about their crushes or what-not. it's the what-not, i guess. and what-should-not-have-had. and i thought, again, that they just celebrated their sweet sixteens. i felt like i was doused with ice cold water. literally, i felt a shiver down my spine. it's sad how teeners miss out on being teeners and start being mothers. and i bet it is not even planned.

i didn't plan being pregnant at 30 and the second time around at 33 but what the heck! i am in my 30s. and even in my 30s i didn't even feel ready to have kids then. but life goes on. you go ahead and have the kids, work your ass off for them. so what about these teenage soon-to-be mom? to begin with, what and how does she tell her parents? do the sperm donor even care how difficult it is to blurt out the three words parents wouldn't like to hear during this time of their daughter's life? or is he planning now on how to win the new girl in his anatomy class? shit happens and sometimes it hits you right between the eyes (or should i say right between the legs?)

my brother and my sister in law were with me when i told my parents then. and let me tell you, they are not happy. they're even unhappier after three years when they learned i was on the way the second time. the way i look at it (and most people for that matter) there really is no good time to break the news gently to your parents that you are pregnant out of wedlock. but i know they'd rather hear it from you than from the gossip mill. and believe me, it would be a scene straight out of a telenovela. move over, kim chiu! here's a real-life teener about to break into drama minus the glitter and the fanfare of showbiz. and what about the supporting roles? the father and mother crying buckets over the tragedy of not being able to prevent this from happening? but it happened. and where do we go from here? do we get the shotgun and move heaven and earth to have the two lovebirds marry? or do we dry out our tears and bravely face the rough road ahead? it is a rough road but this is where we really need to prove the world we are rightly to be called parents.

and the next question will be: to keep or to give it away? but that's another blog entry.

but there, dear teener. are your eyes wide open now? i don't like to sound didactic but it's a fact of life. you have sex, there might be consequences. and sometimes, the consequence will be one you will not only carry for nine months, but for a lifetime.