Letting Go

"Let go. Why do you cling to pain? There is nothing you can do about the wrongs of yesterday and today. It is not yours to judge. Why hold on to the very thing which keeps you from hope and love?"

- Leo Buscaglia, from "Loving Each Other"

As the saying goes, there is a time for everything: a time to love, a time to laugh, a time to cry, yada yada yada. But what I never thought will happen this soon is that the time came to end something.

It started out as a discussion on this person's health. Being a born worrywart, I was pushing him to get a check up since he was having a headache, about three times a week which is not good. The reason he said is that he'd been having too much to eat lately, saying that's his way of compensating for the loss he experienced. I said, okay, but it would really be good if he'll see a doctor. He agreed and promised to see one the next day and said he'll be taking a nap.

He awoke bout 3 hours later and sent me a text message that he felt better and that he is thinking of seeing the doctor possibly next week instead of the next day. Anybody who knows me would know how I'll react. And that was my mistake.

I went ballistic on him and texted him a lengthy message about being insensitive to others (read: to me) and just thinking of himself, blah blah blah. I even added for good measure, that oh, yes, I don't have any right to demand anything from him since I don't even count as someone who should matter. All the frustrations I had been keeping to myself on the onset of this relationship came pouring out in one single text message.

"Where did that come from?!" His reply.

I was just getting started. And I leashed out a barrage of words that I know would be impossible to take back now. He didn't reply anymore.

I was seething. I was so angry. Thing is, why am I seething? Why am I angry?

Am I angry at him for not seeing his doctor as he promised? Yes, I am. As everyone knows, if you are in a "complicated" relationship with someone, you will be the last to know if something happens to your significant other. Or worse, you might not know about it and you end up guessing your whole life what happened. Because in reality, you don't exist. You exist only in the hidden part of his life, the part no one else might know about.

Am I angry at myself for letting my defenses down once again and fall in love with someone like him? Yes, I am. I promised to myself that I would not be falling in love EVER again since it will just lead to disaster with Ondoy-like proportions. And it did. And again, I was left alone with a heart broken into a thousand pieces that I know would be impossible to put back even with the strongest glue known to man.

After the anger has subsided, I now felt sadness. Sad about not being to control myself and my emotions and vented out words that I might not be able to erase or delete since it had already been said (or sent). I felt sad that there would never be a time that I can fully feel the love he had promised since this had ended before it had even begun.

The incident happened two days ago. Yesterday, I swallowed my pride and sent him a text message: "Good afternoon. I'm so sorry about the things I said yesterday." He promptly replied: "That's okay, I was just busy." We exchanged a few more text messages and I thought everything is back to normal.

But he never texted me today. I was thinking: he's too busy, he might have another problem at home, he might be sick, he might be dead.

Maybe I should just think of the latter so it wouldn't hurt too much. Because if he's dead, I really can't do anything about it.

Is this what I'm waiting for? Is this the sign that I should let him go? Is he just waiting for me to end this since he might be too much of a gentleman to initiate the break up?

My brain is telling me the answer is a loud YES.

But my foolish heart is still in denial.

One essay I wrote years ago for a friend came to mind:

One reason why it's hard to let go of a certain relationship is because the person you were in love with truly had great qualities. With him you truly had an incredible connection. Maybe he loved you intensely, he may still love you. The only problem in the relationship was that he could only treat you well part of the time. The rest of the time, he acted hurtfully towards you.

It is very difficult to throw away this type of connection. And more difficult still is when you interact with the wonderful, caring side of him. Having to walk away from such a relationship can be the hardest thing you'll ever do. Even when you walk away, it may still pull at your heart. It is so much easier to let go of someone when it is clear he doesn't care about you. It may even be easier to let go of someone that dies, because there is nothing that can be done. But to let go of someone that is well and alive and you think who loves you back is an incredible task, maybe an impossible one. Yet let go you must if your partner is not willing to meet your needs. If you are ever to be fulfilled in any relationship, you must let go completely of this person.

I think it's time for me to think about what I wrote and apply it to my life.

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us."

- Joseph Campbell